What is my Vocation

 Dictionary. com defines Vocation as follows:

vo·ca·tion

  

[voh-key-shuhn]  Show IPA

–noun

1.

a particular occupation, business, or profession; calling.

2.

a strong impulse or inclination to follow a particular activity orcareer.

3.

a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life.

4.

a function or station in life to which one is called by god: thereligious vocation; the vocation of marriage.

The vocation I am referring to today is the last one. 


My station in life is wife and mom. I look back at when I met and married Jim and I realize that I chose this station. I told him I always thought I would be a stay at home mom. I said that because I thought that stay at home moms send their kids off to school, tidy up, have lunch with friends, run errands, come home, cook dinner while helping kids with their homework and finally meet their husbands at the door with a smile and a kiss and dinner on the table(hot).


Wow was I DELUSIONAL!!!!!


I realize now that a real stay at home mom has a very different day... I start my day by brushing my teeth, starting a load of laundry and brewing coffee. I empty the dishwasher and pour Jim's coffee, I eat something quick because I never know how long it will be before I eat again. I wake up my oldest daughter (who hates morning and me and getting woken up) for the first time and then start breakfast. I take Jim his coffee and get his lunch order. Then I wake up my oldest daughter (2nd time). I check on breakfast and get out lunch items then go to my oldest daughters room where she is just now jumping up to act like I didn't almost just see her still in bed for the 3rd time. Now it is time to wake my boys. They are more agreeable, but no more enthusiastic to get out of bed. I take more lunch orders and head back to the kitchen. Now I get breakfast for Jim and wrap up lunches. I head to the bathroom to make sure my eldest son doesn't take a 30 minute shower. On the way back to the kitchen I check in on Girl 1 who is usually redoing her hair or trying an elaborate hair-do on Girl 2 (6 years) who is crying and begging for her to let me do it (which I don't have time for, but will do considering the alternative). I try to locate and clean Jim's travel mug so I can get his cup-to-go ready. He usually comes strolling through about this time, oblivious to all of the action around him, and acting like the house is on fire and he's late for escape. The funny part about that is not that he's in a hurry to get out of the house, but that he is a workaholic and compulsively needs to be the first one to the office. Whew! One out the door 5 to go. Girl 3 is at the breakfast bar demanding food she will not eat until everyone else has left, but nonetheless wants now(!). About now boys 2(9yrs) and 3(11yrs) are milling around the kitchen, not sure what to do even though I have asked them to get up to the counter and eat at least 3 times. They begin to remind me of those cars we had as children that went in a line until it hit something and then backed up, turned and went off in random new direction. Meanwhile I am trying to dodge them while getting glasses of milk, plates filled, lunches packed and at least 2 more trips in to motivate Girl 1. Boy 1 is now dressed and turning on the computer to print some urgent information for school (AKA: syncing his ipod). Everyone needs to brush their teeth at the same time someone has a #2 emergency and uses the kids bathroom instead of mine so that no one can get in to brush. This makes me want to take the doorknob off and hope they learn to plan better if they want privacy. How much privacy do you have when there are 4 people standing outside the door knocking and waiting impatiently for you? Hopefully I will get most of them out the door in time for the bus. Just barely, and have the bunny and dogs been fed? No, that'll be my job today. Boy 1 drives more than he rides the bus due to sports. Jim's schedule is to erratic for me to count on him to pick kids up from sports. I don't like to have to drive to school just to come back (not a good use of my time or gas) and 10 miles is to far to make the kids walk home. So it makes sense to let him drive, but it has also become a crutch for slow siblings who miss the bus. Finally, everyone is out the door. My first major achievement of the day. Also, the first guilty pleasure. It feels wrong to be so relieved that they are gone for most of the day. Just as I think I am going to get the kitchen cleaned up right away, I hear the call of girl4(7 mo.). She is in my bed, so I have to grab her fast before she has time to scooch off the bed.


The rest of my day is equally chaotic.


So if being a wife and mother is what God has called me to do why do I feel like it is punishment for something I must have done very wrong, and if I change how I feel about it will it change how I do it? Am I truly honoring God in my calling? What does that mean to honor God in all I do? How do you change diapers to serve the Lord? 


I often feel like some kind of fraud going through the motions without knowing what I'm doing or how to do it. I have this nagging fear that I will do or say something or even worse that my children will do or say something that gives me away and then everyone will know what a charlatan I am. It's like driving without a license, only with a blindfold and both hands tied behind my back. How long can I keep steering with my knees before I crash? 


I have decided that I need to do something about it. I have tried many things over the years to get myself together, but I haven't yet found the system that works for me. I plan to try making several changes in how I run the house and hope the family and I will embrace them and that our daily lives will improve as well as our family life overall.